a bit more.

I've been a little absent from the blog.  I know.  There's been a lot going on in our lives.  I wanted to give you all a little update on our journey (back story here and here).  Our 2nd IVF was not successful.  I'm realizing now that I may have not even said we were going to do a second round.  We did.  We started ALL over again.  More drugs, another egg retrieval, another round with our hearts on the line.  And this time, none of our fertilized embryos even made it to transfer day.  We found out the first week of July.  It was a hard thing to hear.  But here we are.  I've had some time to process all of this and am coming out on the other side feeling ok.  I'm not going to sugar coat this, I am STILL sad.  Sometimes I just try to appear to everyone else that all of this is not hurting me.  That I am "totally fine".  That I know "everything is going to be great and work out".  But you know what, sometimes I don't feel that way.  And I think that it is ok.  It's all part of the process.  We are looking into other options (so many wonderful and amazing options that are out there for us, that I feel so incredibly lucky to have), but it still hurts.  It hurts beyond belief to come to terms with the fact that I will probably never carry my own child.  I am slowly and surely letting go of the fact that I will probably never experience pregnancy.  And you know what, most times I am ok with it.  Most times, all I think about is...I want to be a mom and I want G to be a dad.  And whatever way that happens for us, I know we will be beyond thrilled.  But I think it is ok to mourn what we thought this journey was going to look like.  I think it's important for me to acknowledge it here.  I also want to acknowledge all of the amazing support that we have had throughout this process.  Our family, friends, and even people we barely know, have reached out to us...and I must say that it means so very much to us.  We will get there.  We know it.  We will one day have our happy little family.   

{photo by me}

simple pleasures.

We are back from a family fun filled weekend and I'm seriously still smiling.  There is just something about spending time with family that really calms my nerves and makes me feel at peace.  When my husband and I are running around during the weekdays, sometimes I forget to just stop and take it all in.  Being away this weekend really reminded me to enjoy the little pleasures in life....like fresh flowers and a cup of coffee to enjoy with a loved one.  Happy Monday everyone!

{flowers}, {coffee}

opening up.

So I thought now might be as good a time as any to talk about this on my blog.  I've written this post about a thousand times and I've deleted it about that many times too.  I just wasn't sure if I was ready to share.  I kept thinking, well soon I will have some good news to share and then I can talk about how all of this happened to me "way back when".  Well, since that hasn't exactly been the way our story has unfolded, I decided to finally write a bit about a journey my husband and I have been on for the past few years.  We have been struggling to have a baby.  It's been a long road filled with many ups and downs.  We tried for 2 years to get pregnant without it ever happening.  The good news, we did FINALLY get pregnant via an IUI treatment, but I miscarried at 9 weeks.  I keep trying to focus on the positive...I did get pregnant.  In our journey of infertility, even getting preggo in the first place was a big huge gigantic hurdle we overcame, so in one sense we are so very lucky.  Many couples go on for years of unsuccessful fertility treatments, never once getting to hear any good news.  So we are hopeful, so very hopeful.  And we've met some wonderful people along the way...some bloggers, some friends of friends, some complete strangers that I now call friends.  You see the thing is, I didn't know anyone close to me that has struggled with this, so in the beginning I felt very alone, but now that I have been able to talk about what has happened I feel so much better.  I no longer feel lonely.  So, I guess my point in even writing this blog post is the hope that I can make even one person feel a little less alone.  To let you know that my life is not all about sequins and parties and vacations.  It is a REAL life with many many many wonderful moments, but some very difficult ones as well.  G and I know that we will one day have our happy little family, whichever way the journey leads us.

{photo by me}

a new year.

Happy 2013!  Well it was nice to take a little break and soak in some family time during the holidays, but I am definitely ready to get back into the swing of things.  Reflecting back on this year there have been a lot of pretty amazing moments and there have been some very sad moments too.  I have to say that throughout all of it the one thing I keep thinking is I am so very thankful.  Thankful for G, my family, my friendships, even for strangers that have somehow helped in this year of much transition.  And as we begin this new year I decided to make a few resolutions.  I'm not usually one for resolutions, but I think this year there are some important ones to recognize.

1. Be more present.  This one is very difficult for me.  I'm a planner at heart, always looking towards the future and goals which I want to accomplish.  I of course don't need to abandon this way of thought, but I also feel like it's really important for me to focus on the here and now.

2.  Be spontaneous.  This goes back to number 1.  Since I like to plan out pretty much every second of every day, doing something spur of the moment is a super big indulgence for me.  So this year, I want to do just that...let go of the constant planning (I will still be making plans, but just not so many), and allow myself to be more open about doing things at the last minute.  I want G and I to take more spur of the moment trips, to go on more adventures, to just let go and be more free.

3.  Be sensitive to others.  Ok, so this one is a little hard to put into words.  I have always thought of myself as a sensitive person.  A friend who can listen, who can drop everything at a moment's notice to be there for someone in need.  But I think I can be even better at this.  There have been a few very difficult moments that I have gone through this past year, and the fact that others have been so sensitive and caring towards me has been overwhelmingly amazing.  And I want to be that way for other people.  

Here's to a wonderful new year!

thankful.

We are so very thankful for our amazing family and friends.  This year has brought about many happy moments, some very sad moments, challenges, and great memories.  G and I are so very thankful for the wonderful people that fill our lives and have been there for us throughout it all.  thank you!  We hope everyone enjoys their holiday.